On being a working mom

Last night, against his protests, the husband and I watched I Don't Know How She Does It. In all fairness, he chose Our Idiot Brother on Friday night, which even he, the man who sits through the most painful movies, agreed to turn off halfway through. So it was my turn to choose.

I have no idea why, but I had actually read the bookwhen I was in college and really enjoyed it. I definitely think the book is better than the movie, though the movie was cute enough.

My biggest complaint about the movie was that I felt like it turned SJP into a martyr without a voice. It was rather obvious that she felt pulled in a million directions and had a healthy case of working mom guilt. She begrudgingly went on business trip after business trip and pursued the next big project at work but almost acted as if she had no choice in the matter. Maybe it was bad acting (though with SJP I have a hard time saying that), but I just didn't believe that she truly wanted to be a career woman or that she truly wanted to be at home more. To me, it seemed as if she was stuck in this perpetual in between state and was just floating along, sometimes acknowledging her feelings but never acting on them.

Don't get me wrong - I am sure that the movie portrayed the way that some working moms feel. But it drove me insane that her character wasn't more intentional or vocal about her choices. Because I believe that at the end of the day it comes down to our personal choices for our family. I know that some women have to work for one reason or another and genuinely do not have another option. And I recognize that this is likely very disheartening and frustrating, especially for those women that have to work outside the home but would rather work as stay at home moms. And I do believe very strongly that being a stay at home mom is a job.

At the same time, I also know of many families who make the decision to forego one income in order for the mom to stay at home. While this may not always be an option, I do think that in many instances it is if the family is willing to make some sacrifices. I've read lots of blog posts on this topic, and all of them allude to the fact that it is an intentional choice that they have made for their family. Maybe it means less pedicures, purses and family vacations, but lots of families find a way to make it work. In I Don't Know How She Does It, it almost felt like she was waiting for someone to make the choice for her. And, I felt like it portrayed working moms in a slightly negative light.

What do I mean? Well, not all working moms miss all of the "firsts." And not all working moms ignore their husband. Not all working moms dread going to work. And not all working moms choose the next big project or promotion over Thanksgiving with their family.

How do I know? Well, because I feel like we have made some choices that enable me to work and be a mom. I really don't feel like it has to be either/or. I purposely chose to take a step back at work and pursue an option that would enable me to work from home so that I can drop everything when need be. I choose to work because I like the interaction with other adults and sense of purpose it gives me. I choose to work because I honestly think I'd be a really bad stay at home mom. This raising kids business is H.A.R.D., and I don't mind admitting that working actually feels like a break most of the time. Even towards the end of maternity leave when I was so sad to think about leaving Thatcher every day, I knew that a big part of me needed to get back into a professional routine to feel more like, well, me. Not a day goes by where I am not immensely thankful to have found a solution that feels like the best of both worlds for me. I work full-time but am still available to drop Thatcher off in the morning, pick him up in the afternoon and play with him for a bit before dinner, bath and bedtime. And I feel so incredibly fortunate.

Do I always plan to work outside of the home? Honestly, I'm not sure. We have one baby right now, and our arrangement works really well for us. We have made a lot of intentional choices to ensure that both the husband and I are satisfied and fulfilled. Right now I enjoy working, but if that ever starts to change then I'd be open to exploring it. Was it hard to get off the "fast track" at work? Give up the promotion I was likely about to get? Sure. But for us it was a purposeful choice. And I think this is part of the reason why I didn't love I Don't Know How She Does It. I felt like SJP had so many chances to make different decisions or to change things but she never really did. And I just wanted to scream "what do you want, lady?!?! Do you want to work or not?!?!" I don't think that working vs. staying at home vs. having your own business really has a right answer. There is just not one solution for all families. All that matters is that families make choices that work for them.

Even though I choose to work, I will admit that sometimes it's really hard. There are days that I feel bad for dropping Thatcher off at school and days when I wonder how I will squeeze everything in. Because the reality is that someone still has to RSVP to parties, go to the grocery, buy birthday cards, pay bills and the list goes on. And I am still trying to fit all of my social obligations into the mix as well because playgroup, small group at Church and girls' nights matter to me. A lot. I truthfully think guilt is something that comes along with being a parent. If I didn't have working mom guilt then I'd probably have I-shouldn't-be-spending-money guilt or some other form of guilt. But somehow it all gets done, and if I ever felt like it were no longer working for us then we'd talk about it and make a change. The truth is that we have way more control over our decisions than we sometimes believe, and I think that's what drove me nuts about the movie. It's like we were supposed to feel sorry for SJP but she wasn't really doing anything to make her situation better.

Has anyone else seen it? What did y'all think?