"Almost everyone I know is busy. They feel anxious and guilty when they
aren’t either working or doing something to promote their work. They
schedule in time with friends the way students with 4.0 G.P.A.’s make
sure to sign up for community service because it looks good on their
college applications. I recently wrote a friend to ask if he wanted to
do something this week, and he answered that he didn’t have a lot of
time but if something was going on to let him know and maybe he could
ditch work for a few hours. I wanted to clarify that my question had not
been a preliminary heads-up to some future invitation; this was
the invitation. But his busyness was like some vast churning noise
through which he was shouting out at me, and I gave up trying to shout
back over it."
Now, I think many of us are legitimately busy. Whether you work full-time or take care of children full-time, that is a huge demand. We all have houses to clean, relationships to maintain and 'to do' lists. I am probably as busy right now as I have ever been. We have a few house projects going on, a wild toddler, a second baby on the way, two full-time jobs and about a million other things. But I believe that I am never to busy to do the things that I want to do. I just happen to think that it's all about prioritization. Do the things you want to do, not the things you feel obligated to do.
As I've gotten older, I feel like I have truly learned to say 'no' more and - to borrow a phrase from a book we read in Sunday school - 'create margin' for myself. Margin is best described as the free space and free passes you give yourself intentionally so as to avoid stress. So what if I buy the cookies when I am asked to bring dessert? It takes less time but a whole lot less effort. And guess what? No messes are created in the process. And if I am not in the mood to do something and would rather do nothing? I say so.
One pitfall that I see a lot of people fall into is creating busyness or downright lying. Yes, I said lying. You know the types: the ones who say they can't make something because "I will be working late" and then are on Facebook while you're at said event. I am of the mindset that if you're honest, your friends won't care. I have turned down dinners and playdates and many other things simply because "this has been a long week, and I am not feeling up for it." And you know what? Other people get it, understand, and I think appreciate the honesty.
For me, I have some non-negotiable things in life that I will always make time for. My friends and I have learned to plan ahead (as in our monthly dinners and Bunco nights are set at least 3-4 weeks in advance) and then not reschedule; the rule is that if you back out, totally fine, but if we reschedule for every conflict, we'll never see each other. My personal non-negotiables are:
- Being home and participating in Thatcher's bedtime as much as humanely possible
- Monthly dinner with high school friends
- Monthly Bunco group with another set of friends
- Church and Sunday school (though sometimes this doesn't happen, and I am okay with it)
- Eating dinner with the husband
- Calling friends / sending cards on their birthdays or for other milestones
- Being present when friends or family needs you for the crisis du jour ('dropping everything')
- Having good chunks of down time on the weekend as a family of 3
- Attending weddings, birthday parties, baptisms, etc for close friends
- Taking week-long vacations with my family at least once, if not twice, a year
- {When I am not knocked up, I'd add working out to this list}
"Idleness is not just a vacation, an indulgence or a vice; it is as
indispensable to the brain as vitamin D is to the body, and deprived of
it we suffer a mental affliction as disfiguring as rickets. The space
and quiet that idleness provides is a necessary condition for standing
back from life and seeing it whole, for making unexpected connections
and waiting for the wild summer lightning strikes of inspiration — it
is, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work done."
14 comments:
YES! I sometimes feel guilty when I back out of girls' night outs and such but sometimes after working all day and then commuting back to the southshore, the last thing I want to do is hop back into the car and go back into the city... and then, on top of that, never see Andrew and miss his bedtime routine. I don't see him that much during the week as it is, so I want to spend time with him!
and your priorities are pretty much the same as mine! Except the bunco thing. We don't have any friends that want to play bunco!
but definitely non- negotiables are dinner with the family, never missing Andrew's bedtime, and downtime for sure, along with helping family when needed.
and that's no way to spend time as a family!
I was totally that girl in high school with a 4.0 signing up for everything so it would look good on my college applications....and I agree, if you just don't want to go to a function, don't make up some reason why you can't. Just be honest.
Anyway, I have definitely been working on not feeling guilty because I want to have family time instead of girls night out or whatever it may be. My non-negotiables are very similar to yours...church on Sundays, dinner as a family, family time, being there for friends & family, and family vacations.
great post but I am WAAAAY too busy to comment. LOL JK!
Right now I'm struggling with a little balance issue, but I think I feel this way every summer when our "to do" changes as the weather warms up. Visiting family is definitely on our list, as is taking some time to spend together as a family of 3.
I think this is a really important topic and a really wonderful post. What you're talking about just may be the central "problem" of my life. Although there are many unavoidable factors, I know I could do a better job at balancing and saying no. But there's a downside of saying no, too:
Currently, I'm working 20 hours a week for Voice of Witness, 20 hours a week for Community Works teaching a writing workshop, volunteer teaching one night a week at the prison, and babysitting 2 times a week. It's exhausting. It's so hard to keep up with my hours, invoices, scheduling, etc. Anyway, Community Works got free tickets to a play I've reeeeeeally been wanting to see. It's Saturday night, and I really want to go . . . but Matt and I will be way up in Petaluma during the day, and going to the play would mean high tailing it from our afternoon party at a friend's down to the East Bay in time for the play, and then driving back up to San Rafael that night (where we are housesitting). Ultimately, I decided not to go to the play. I'm glad I lessened what's on my plate, but I am sad I won't get to see it (tix are pretty expensive so I probably won't buy them on my own).
Fortunately, my schedule will simmer down a little bit in August (after the writing workshop is over), but I'll be working more hours for Voice of Witness and still juggling a relationship, weekend time with Matt's son, an exercise regimen, and trying to maintain some semblance of a social life.
Modern day life is tough, man!
I was just working on a post about this earlier today (too busy to finish--ha)! You're right--between full-time work, full-time school, and full-time mommy-ing, there is not a lot of margin left in life.
One of our big priorities is to rarely schedule any activities on weeknights. Girls' night is just not worth sacrificing the precious few hours I have with my husband and little one.
We're also pretty religious about going to church on Sundays (pardon the pun), but we'll occasionally worship at home if the weekend has been too busy or stressful.
And I try to be in contact with close family and friends at least once a week.
It's all a process, but we're trying to create those margins!
I am going to be honest and think much of your list is the typical cliche perfect life list! The list we all want. And I do not mean it mean. What I mean is that I think as women and as people who go through seasons in our lives sometimes the list of the make time for needs to be simpler. As in take a walk, take a moment to go pray. I think alot of lies come from the we can't and do not want to admit it vs. the I am just too tired. Like if it is just not in the budget to pay for dinner that night or to throw money into the bunco game. Or the marking the no to the wedding because driving to another state or far away venue just does not fit the budget or the schedule. I think while we need to address making sure we are not too busy we also need to address what we can do with our time. I know for me too busy is not ok for skipping say a Bible study any more, this is new to me! And too busy is not ok when I need to spend time with my family. But I need to say that too busy is often my excuse when I do not want to admit why I can't go to dinner if the reason is the budget said no. I know that if I am using the too busy excuse then others are as well. Don't get me wrong I think their is a true epidemic of individuals and families doing too much and spreading themselves too thin but I also wonder if it has also become a crutch for many. I love that you addressed this it really got me thinking and facing my truth!
You just hit on one of my favorite topics! I cannot tell you how many times my husband and I have had this conversation when many of our friends claim to be "so busy" to either call,text,email,or heaven forbid get together. And then as you said you will see this friend on FB out with other friends or doing other things. It's all about priorities...and I guess sometimes we just aren't high on their list. Oh well their loss!
Funny that you posted about this article. I read it aloud to my husband while we were in the car last week on vacation. I definitely agree that we all need to start prioritizing and doing more of what we want to do each day and less of what we feel like we should be doing. We need to have down time to refuel and de-stress - otherwise we won't be good at any of what we're doing and certainly will have a hard time enjoying doing it. When meeting up with friends or volunteering for another event becomes stressful, we should know that we have taken on too much. I'll admit that I am a list-maker, and it feels good to be able to cross things off the list and finish a day with a clean slate; however, somewhere along the way - I think it started when we started a business - I realized that, more often than not, as hard as I try, I can't cross everything off the list each day and that I need to be ok with that. I need to be happy with what I did get accomplished that day, not what is left on the list. As I've become a mother, I've also realized that I need to be able to teach (and teach by showing) my children that every second of their day doesn't need to be scheduled. I think as parents we need to be able to allow kids time to get bored and to figure out what to do in that boredom by themselves. There is a great book that talks about simplifying life that I think you'd appreciate - Mitten Strings for God by Katrina Kenison - which reminds me, I should probably go read it again...
Love that you put "down time with family" into that list. It's a must over here too that I've come to appreciate lately. I like to be busy. I like to schedule outings for us especially as a family, but I am finding more and more that simply just being together is something that we all need and crave. We do our best to hit good friends' events too, and this living in TX thing makes it hard, but we give it our best shot.
I think I turn down events during the week sometimes with other moms at night because I liek and need that down time with my own family.
Love this post. I completely agree that people use being busy as an excuse not to do things. The truth is that everyone has the same amount of time in our days and we all choose what to do with that time. If it's truly important to us, we make time for it. If it's not, we won't. I think the old saying is true, "If you want something done, ask a busy person."
I used to offer up my busy "excuse" every time I turned down an invitation. I felt like I couldn't just say no - I had to have a reason. But I've learned that my time is my own and it's precious to me. I only accept invitations I truly want or need to accept and simply decline the rest - whether I am busy or not.
I do agree that some people seem to manufacture busyness. I can't help but laugh when I see people post pictures of their planners filled with lunch dates and hair appointments (all in color coded pens, no less) and they proclaim how busy they are. I guess we all have different definitions of busy.
what?! who's busy? hmm sounds like i need some friends or really a life? lol we have way too much family time at my house- i need some ME time! if i can just get my husband to leave and chill with guy friends more or maybe the kiddos can sleep over at friends house! they are attached to my hip! haha
on a serious note, i think the one thing i'd love to prioritize is a scheduled quiet time in the morning with the Lord, and without RUSHING either. some days i "squeeze" it in the middle of the day or at the end before i go to sleep, when i'm too tired to even meditate. all else, i know that God is faithful to enable me to manage my time with everything and everyone.
I LOVE this....and so much of it is SO true. I feel like a hamster on a wheel most days...any time to myself is usually reserved for time i should be sleeping!! Making a list is a wonderful idea and a neat way to keep your priorities in check!!
I absolutely agree with this. We accomplish the things that are most important to us. Bible study is important to me, and I finally have prioritized it by creating a situation of great accountability: a Bible study gathering in my home. I wish exercising was one of my priorities, but it just isn't at this current stage of life where I'm up at 4:30 AM and have no energy by the time Jack goes to bed.
And of course, priorities change as life progresses as well, but being present for my guys will stay right there at the top.
I remember reading this article recently too. We know a few couples who are so committed every weekend that we can never seem to meet up. We try to take the approach of keeping the evenings and weekends uncommitted unless it's something we really want to do because the week days are so regimented with non-negotiables like train schedules, daycare hours and conference calls all day long. On the weekend, we just want to reclaim that thing called leisure once in a while. :) Cute post (this is the first time I've ready your blog.:) )
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