Sleep Training

Disclaimer: this is a super controversial and personal topic. I am only sharing our experience in case it helps others.

I have written before about the topic of getting Thatcher out of the rocker, aka the best baby gift we received, and into his crib. (Side note: if you are expecting, or know someone who is expecting, buy this rocker. It has been a life saver for us. In fact, it's probably worked TOO well, which is how we ended up with a 5 month old still sleeping in our room).




Parenthood, all 5 months of it, has been an adventure in patience and humility. Every issue under the sun has two perspectives: "what we thought we would do with Thatcher / what good parents do" and "what we actually do with Thatcher based on his personal needs and our ever-evolving parenting style." Exhibit A is breastfeeding. I never planned to breastfeed before becoming pregnant and truthfully didn't give much thought to it during pregnancy. Somewhere during the 7th or 8th month, the pediatrician and OB GYN both suggested that I try it, and since I hadn't really equipped our house for forumla feeding either, I figured why not. I knew it was better for baby and am one to try everything once. Plus, I figured I couldn't really have an opinion on the topic if I hadn't tried it. Once I decided to give it a whirl, my initial plan was 3 months and that was it! Well, 3 months came and went and here I am still partially nursing. Once Thatcher was here, I enjoyed nursing him more than I ever expected and to be honest, I started to measure myself as a mother with it. When I went back to work, it made me feel like I was still doing something FOR him, even if I wasn't with him all day. And I liked that.
 
But the real topic of this post is how we are attempting to teach Thatcher better sleep habits. Before he was born, I knew that I'd keep him in our room for at least a few weeks. Partially because his room is all the way on the other side of the house and I knew I would never stick with breastfeeding if I had to walk 50 feet to do it every 2-3 hours, and partially because I was a neurotic first time mom. This arrangement worked really well for us, and when he outgrew the newborn napper part of the Pack N Play, we should have just moved him to the crib (mom was right - AGAIN!)
 
But we didn't. And I can't even really tell you why. I think some of it was habit and laziness, some of it was that first time paranoia thing and some of it was just ignorance. I actually shocked myself during pregnancy with how laid back I was and how I didn't really research anything. Anyone who knows me probably doesn't believe that, but I promise it's true. My biggest fear was being that mom, the one who was hellbent on A, B and C and therefore ends up with X, Y and Z. I probably went too far in the other direction in that I had very few opinions on anything. This has been a blessing, as I've been flexible in my approach to just about everything. On the other hand, I do wish I had done a little more reading on things like sleep so that I was better prepared to make informed decisions. So, here we are (or, there we were) with a 5 month old who is happiest sleeping in the rocker in our room. Which is our fault because that's where we've put him to bed every night, so who can blame the kid for loving it?
 
But both the husband and I have a strong opinion that children should sleep in their own room and learn how to soothe themselves when it is age appropriate. Based on what we've read and Thatcher's personality, we felt it was time. We had tried a few nights what felt like 347 thousand times to put Thatcher down in his crib to no avail. We tried e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Putting him down fast asleep. Putting him down drowsy. Putting him down wide awake. Patting him. Shooshing him. The Sleep Sheep. Swaddled. No swaddled. On his back. On his side. If I am honest, on his tummy (he can roll). At a later than usual bedtime hoping he would pass out. Earlier than usual thinking that overtired is bad, too. In a dark room. In a semi-light room. With formula. With breastmilk. Bottle before bed. Nursed before bed.
 
You get the idea.
 
After one of my best friends had success with Ferber (I know - GASP! I probably just lost a few Followers), I decided we would try it. We want Thatcher in his crib, and we want him to enjoy bedtime and self-soothe. But we are not sleep experts.
 
So last night our coffee table looked like this:
 

 
Yes, I have a mommy wine glass.
 
We put Thatcher down a little later than usual and resolved that he would NOT sleep anywhere but the crib even if that meant no one in the house slept. Our baby boy only knew the rocker, so we predicted that we were in for a long evening. I am sure some people find it cruel to change the routine so quickly, but after reading the book, I realized that we had taught Thatcher all of the sleep associations he knew (rocker, Sleep Sheep, swaddle, etc) and it was our job to teach new ones. Ferber has a gradual approach as well (where you transition things slowly), but I am an immediate gratification kind of person and wanted to see if we'd have success with changing everything at once.
 
Of course, like many moms, I was skeptical. I was worried that I was torturing and ruining our child. I was worried that he'd remember. I was worried that it wouldn't work. I was worried that others would judge (and I am sure some will). But, until you have raised someone else's child, it is not really your place to decide what is best for that baby. And, like I always say, if you want to parent, have a child! As any mom can attest, it is way harder than it looks. And we beat ourselves up over everything.
 
The quote that gives me the greatest comfort in the book is this:
 

 "A young child cannot yet understand what is best for him, and he may cry if he does not get what he wants. As his parents, you have to be the judge of what he can and cannot have or do. You want to do what is best for him, and that should include helping him form good sleep patterns. If he wanted to play with a sharp knife, you would not give it to him no matter how hard he cried, and you would not feel guilty or worry about psychological consequences. Poor sleep patterns are also harmful for your child and it is your job to correct them. Doing so is a sign of caring, not of selfishness."

 

For us, we want an "easy" and happy bedtime. This includes a baby that sleeps in his room and ideally soothes himself back to sleep fairly easily when he wakes up (which all babies do throughout the night, like adults). This is not to make our lives easier (Lord knows having a baby is a 24 hour a day job) but rather to instill good sleep habits in Thatcher so that the whole house is happier. We were starting to fear a one year old still sleeping in our room and throwing a massive temper tantrum at the sight of his crib and/or chasing a two year old around the house because he had no concept of his own bedroom...when what we really want is for Thatcher to love going to bed in his own room. We want it to be a place of comfort and solace for him. We want him to look forward to going to bed in his own room at the end of a long day. There's a reason that people say that they love sleeping in their own beds the best. And we worried that he would never have that if he got much older.

 

So last night, we put Thatcher down and then followed the timed intervals that Ferber recommends (3 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes with 10 minutes being the longest interval). We followed our "ideal" bedtime routine (warm bath, jammies, bottle, cuddling and into the crib still awake but sleepy). Most of that has been the same every night, though after the cuddling it was usually into the rocker fully asleep. That was exactly where the problem rested: Thatcher had NO idea how to put himself to bed because we were doing it for him. 

 

Much to our surprise, he cried for the first 3 minutes but fell sound asleep during the second timed interval. Could it be this easy?!?!? Not really, as he stirred about 30-45 minutes later and that round took 35+ minutes of timed checking until he fell asleep. But he did. And all on his own without too much crying. He stirred one more time around 11:30pm, but he fell asleep fairly quickly and then never needing checking again. He woke up at 5:45am for the day, which is usual for him.

 

And today, for his nap, he fell asleep during the second interval (so around 15 minutes). And for his second nap, he didn't need to be checked once. This is HUGE, people. Our child used to cry for hours if we tried to get him to sleep in the crib!

 

Tonight he has only required one check so far, which is wonderful. We are only on night 2, so I am hoping that things continue to go well. I am sure we will have rough moments, but so far everything that Ferber says resonates with our house. It is up to us, as parents, to make sure that our babies associate certain things with sleep - whatever those things are. This looks different in every house, and there is no "right" bedtime routine, but it is totally empowering to realize that you control what your baby perceives as bedtime AND that babies are flexible enough to learn a new bedtime routine.

 

The other thing that has made all the difference in the world is supportive mom friends. I definitely would not have the courage to try this whole sleep training thing without them, as it is such a blessing to be able to vent, ask questions, compare stories and laugh. It is pretty crazy to have a friend going through the exact same thing at the same time - for that I am thankful!

 

Now that I have written a novel on one night of sleep training I will stop, but I am happy to answer questions on our experience. I have already said that I will put the next baby straight into the crib, and I mean that. Don't let me forget it.